My Story
Overview of this Section:
- Facing Addiction Began My Quest for Spiritual Truth
Basic Findings of Quantum Mechanics and Physics
How Spirituality Relates to Better Health Via the Placebo Effect, Neuroplasticity, and Moral Values
What About Christianity?
The Main Difference Between Christianity and All Other Religions
Evidence for Christianity: The Minimal Facts Approach
The Purpose For Jesus' Death and Resurrection
Facing Addiction Began My Quest for Spiritual Truth
Shortly after I first got sober from alcohol in 2005, I started on a quest for spiritual truth. Back then, AA taught me that I needed a power greater than myself to get and to stay sober, because I could not do it on my own. And because I had already tried many many times to cut back my alcohol use without any real success, I realized that it was most likely true that I needed help outside of myself to get sober.
But back then I didn't believe in God or want anything to do with religion. Fortunately, according to AA that was ok, because all I really needed was to find some kind of a power greater than myself. So I began by just listening to the things people said at AA meetings, and I realized that many of them with the help of AA appeared to be quite happy and sober, despite significant problems in their past due to drinking. So I began using the AA group and a few AA sponsors as guides for how to dig into the AA program and stop drinking.
One of the most important things that I learned was that drinking was not really the root of my problem - I had a thinking problem that I self-medicated with alcohol. I also learned that many other people in life have similar thinking problems and they often self-medicate in the same or other ways. There are many forms of addiction out there: food, sex, and drugs other than alcohol, to name just a few. An addiction is basically something that a person cannot stop doing, despite knowing that it is in some way harming themselves. I drank mainly to numb my nearly constant and worsening anxieties. I would run through conversations with others over and over in my head, constantly worry about completing tasks such as home improvements and schoolwork. I'd worry about what other people were thinking, having enough money, politics, etc. We all can find a ton of things to worry about. I found that drinking numbed my brain and made me care less about those things. But the problem is, I never found a better way to truly improve my anxieties, and I found out the hard way that a person simply cannot be drunk all the time without major consequences. Usually those consequences are the result of poor health, poor relationships, and/or problems with the law.
Working the AA program helped me more than just stop drinking, it also led me to find more positive things to do with my time, and it made me realize that in the past I had killed a lot of time drinking! Being sober, I needed to devote my time to better things. Having an open mind, I honestly searched for solutions to my problems in life, and stopped just hiding from my problems by using drugs and alcohol. I also began my spiritual quest in looking at what other religions like Buddhism and Taoism had to say, because I wanted the most peace of mind possible. I began meditating, which definitely helped to calm and control my thoughts, but at the same time it did not give me any real happiness.
My search for God has taken over 16 years of searching and has had many ups and downs. Somewhere in the middle of those 16 years, I discovered philosophy and Nietzsche's famous work titled, Thus Spoke Zarathustra. Around that time I began having more atheistic ideas, and shortly after that, I had a significant encounter with the power of God. Here is a video of my testimony from that experience.
Basic Findings of Quantum Mechanics and Physics
I was studying at Michigan State at the time of getting sober, and so I began to use science itself as my higher power, because in my studies I found that there are many unexplained mysteries of the universe, and at the same time I respected science because it did seem to have many practical answers to our daily problems. The turning point for me to realize that there very possibly was a God, came from studying the fields of Quantum Mechanics and physics. These 2 fields really helped to keep me open minded spiritually, for reasons that I'll describe below.
The study of Quantum Mechanics has been ongoing for about a century now. I'll be the first to admit that Quantum mechanics is complicated, but nonetheless it has shown through repeatable experiments that light will change its behavior based on whether or not we are observing it. When observing it, light appears as we expect it to, but when not observing it, that same particle of light could be anywhere in or outside of this universe. Additionally, quantum non-locality is a phenomenon which basically shows that if 2 electrons with the same spin are separated by any amount of distance, and if 1 electron's spin is changed, then the other's spin will instantaneously change to match the new spin of the 1st. That would explain how one person's prayer could instantaneously affect another person across any amount of distance. Indeed, based on the findings of quantum mechanics, it appears that light itself is conscious and powerful enough to change the world around us. In other words, light appears to be alive, powerful, and responsive to us.
Additionally, physics reveals to us the overall scope of life. The following ideas are not brand new to scientists, and although I learned the basics of these ideas several years ago, I think the author of the article summarized below, Ali Sundermier, states them superbly, so I will paraphrase what he's written with only a few small additions in brackets. To see the whole article, it can be found on Sciencealert.com, and is titled:
99.9999999% of Your Body Is Empty Space
"If the nucleus were the size of a peanut, the [whole] atom [including the electrons floating around the nucleus] would be about the size of a baseball stadium. If we lost all the dead space inside our atoms, we would each be able to fit into a particle of dust, and the entire human species would fit into the volume of a sugar cube. So then where does all our mass come from? Energy! At a pretty basic level, we're all made of atoms, which are made of electrons, protons, and neutrons. So if all of the atoms in the Universe are almost entirely empty space, why does anything feel solid? Technically electrons are point sources, which means they have no volume. But they do have something called a wave function occupying a nice chunk of the atom. And because quantum mechanics likes to be weird and confusing, the volume-less electron is somehow simultaneously everywhere in that chunk of space. You've never really touched anything in your life. Your butt isn't actually touching the chair you're sitting on. Since the meat of your atoms is nestled away in nuclei, when you 'touch' someone (or something), you aren't actually feeling their atoms. What you're feeling is the electromagnetic force of your electrons pushing away their electrons. On a very, very technical level, you're not actually sitting on that chair. You're hovering ever so slightly above it. So to conclude: Your very important human body is really, kind of, in a way, just a misleading collection of empty spaces on an empty planet in an empty Universe. But at least you have a big car."
If the above is not a description of the supernatural, then I don't know what is.
Additionally, there is a lot of other evidence out there that the supernatural exists (ghosts, near death experiences, etc), and because science is also showing us that the supernatural is a very real possibility, that made me want to find out more. Mainly I wanted to know: "Why would God choose to make us in the first place?" To figure out that answer, I needed to know which religion contains the most truth, so I began studying them and comparing them. The problem that I found is, there are obviously many religions which have conflicting ideas, and that means that most likely only one of them is true. Before going further, I want to state why I've come to see how a strong faith is highly helpful towards achieving optimal mental and physical health (which is after all, the main purpose of this website).
Video on science proving God through the impossibility of the universe sustaining life
Video on Einstein's Quantum Riddle - Quantum physics Documentary which basically describes how 1 thing can influence another thing from across the whole universe. This actually helps prove the existence of a God Who is connected to everything and how things like prayer can be possible as well.
Video on The Bible's Hidden Messages - Torah Codes (Chuck Missler)
How Spirituality Relates to Better Mental and Physical Health
I discussed Dr Caroline Leaf's findings regarding neuroplasticity in my section on mental health, and she has also written extensively on how our minds benefit from faith in God in her book, "Switch On Your Brain," which I also highly recommend to read.
The findings of neuroplasticity and the placebo and nocebo effects all clearly demonstrate that our minds and bodies are made to either benefit or be harmed by our thoughts and beliefs. According to Dictionary.com, the placebo effect is defined as: "a beneficial effect produced by a placebo drug or treatment, which cannot be attributed to the properties of the placebo itself, and must therefore be due to the patient's belief in that treatment." WebMD.com discusses the opposite effect, called the nocebo effect: "What happens when you're given a sugar pill, are told it's a drug that has terrible side effects, then start to exhibit those symptoms. The nocebo effect can also occur when a doctor tells you a surgery or procedure could have negative results: Just knowing the risks could negatively impact your recovery... all because of the power of suggestion."
Regarding the law, the criminal justice system in the United States is based upon moral principles which Moses thousands of years ago reported to be given directly to him from God, in the form of the Ten Commandments. Even to this day, before a person testifies under a court of law in the US, they must first swear on the Bible to "Tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth."
Furthermore, if people across the world were to embrace the 2 main teachings of Jesus - love The Lord your God above all else and love one another as you love yourselves - I believe that this world would would hardly need any other laws. Note that those 2 teachings of Jesus are an incredibly simplified version of the Ten Commandments, because for some reason people appear to have a very difficult time trying to follow many different rules all at once. Before Jesus came to earth, there were more than 600 laws of Moses! Yet Jesus simplified all of those rules with his 2 main commandments which are based on love.
Also, the book, God's Medicine Bottle by Derek Prince discusses how reading God's Word in the Bible, is literally medicine in itself. It is an amazing and easy short read and I highly recommend it.
What About Christianity?
It was honestly the last place I looked for evidence of whether it held any truth or not. The main idea that made me curious about it was when someone told me that it is a well accepted fact by nearly every historical scholar that Jesus certainly did exist, and that he was crucified for claiming to be the son of God. And if that is largely accepted as true, then here is the BIG question: was Jesus who he said he was? With that question in mind I did some searching, and since then my life has completely changed.
Here's a quote by C.S. Lewis which states what most people get hung up on:
"I am trying here to prevent anyone saying the really foolish thing that people often say about Him: I'm ready to accept Jesus as a great moral teacher, but I don't accept his claim to be God. That is the one thing we must not say. A man who was merely a man and said the sort of things Jesus said would not be a great moral teacher. He would either be a lunatic - on the level with the man who says he is a poached egg - or else he would be the Devil of Hell. You must make your choice. Either this man was, and is, the Son of God, or else a madman or something worse. You can shut him up for a fool, you can spit at him and kill him as a demon or you can fall at his feet and call him Lord and God, but let us not come with any patronizing nonsense about his being a great human teacher. He has not left that open to us. He did not intend to. ... Now it seems to me obvious that He was neither a lunatic nor a fiend: and consequently, however strange or terrifying or unlikely it may seem, I have to accept the view that He was and is God."
The Main Difference Between Christianity and All Other Religions
It has taken me 16+ years of searching and trying different religions and various forms of meditation, and spending much time contemplating their main ideas. While those different meditations did bring me some brief peace of mind, they brought me no long term happiness. I now believe that Christianity is without a doubt, the best guide through life with the most historical evidence to support its claims.
Until stumbling onto the main evidence for Christianity, I thought that Taoism and Hinduism made the most sense, with Buddhism following not too far behind them. I've found that the problem with those and all the other religions is that none of them claimed that the Son of God came to this earth to forgive us of our wrongs, and instead, the other religions are all performance based. Meaning a person just needs to meditate more, treat people better, love themselves more, see the world in the right way, keep working to improve their karma, etc. But on the other hand, to embrace Christ is to find forgiveness for ALL of my faults and mistakes, past and future! Forget karma, according to Christianity, I will never be perfect and Jesus died for my past and future mistakes! BUT at the same time, that does not mean that I can just get away with doing whatever I want. Because in order to receive God's forgiveness I need to also admit that my selfish hedonism (pleasure seeking) never brought me any lasting happiness, and that no matter how much I learned or meditated it never brought me any long lasting peace of mind. I now realize that instead of self-seeking, I need to follow the teachings of Jesus, because faith without works is dead. In other words, saying that I trust in God needs to be backed up by my actions for it to be true, but everything starts with simply trusting in God. Following Jesus' teachings is definitely not always easy, but fortunately for us Jesus' main teachings were surprisingly simple:
1) Love God more than anything or anyone in your life (because God created us for a mutual loving relationship), and
2)Love others as much as I love myself (which means I still need to love and take care of myself as best I can).
Evidence for Christianity
The funny thing is, the more I studied various religions/philosophies such as Buddhism, Hinduism, Taoism, New Age Spirituality, Atheism, Agnosticism, etc, the more I realized that what they claim to be true must be taken mostly if not entirely by faith, and so I just assumed that was true for all religions. But since extensively studying Christianity (again this was the last place that I searched for signs of truth), I was amazed to find out that there is a lot of historical information to back up its claims!
Like most people, I thought a person had to believe in the bible to be able to believe in Christianity. However, it turns out that since about the 1990s the field of Christian apologetics has greatly expanded and has uncovered a wealth of historical evidence outside the bible which greatly helps to support its claims, so that it does not have to be taken purely by faith. Indeed, the overall accuracy of the bible does not need to be questioned to be able to come to a highly reasonable conclusion that Jesus died and rose from the dead. And all of Christianity hinges on the resurrection claim. Furthermore, if Jesus is the Son of God who died and then rose from the dead, there is no other religion that can claim anything close to that. So if Christianity is true, then all other religions at best may contain only some amount of truth in them.
The Minimal Facts Approach
Dr. Mike Licona has debated many well known atheists and skeptics. He has many free videos online of his debates and I have found several of them to be well worth the watch.
The following is summarized/paraphrased from Lee Strobel's book, "The Case For The Resurrection." In it, Lee interviews Dr. Mike Licona, with parts of that interview detailed below.
Lee Strobel writes about Mike Licona: "His dissertation toward his Doctorate in New Testament from the University Pretoria in South Africa used historical methodologies to assess the evidence for Jesus returning from the dead. In 2004, he joined Dr. Gary Habermas in writing the comprehensive and award-winning book titled, 'The Case For The Resurrection of Jesus."' It was in this book that Habermas and Licona detailed the minimal facts approach to Jesus' resurrection. Licona himself will admit that we all see evidence through the lenses of our own prejudices, which is why checks and balances must be put into place. Many people will not take the story of the resurrection simply by faith, which is why historical researchers such as Habermas and Licona have gone to great lengths to study the story of Jesus.
Dr. Licona states: "Under this approach, we only consider facts that meet two criteria. First, there must be very strong historical evidence supporting them. And, secondly, the evidence must be so strong that the vast majority of today's scholars on the subject - including skeptical ones - accept these as historical facts... We're saying that this evidence is so good that even skeptical Scholars are convinced by it. Let's face it: there's a greater likelihood that a purported historical fact is true when someone accepts it even though they're not in agreement with your metaphysical beliefs. Habermas has compiled a list of more than 2,200 sources in French, German and English in which experts have written on the resurrection from 1975 to the present. He has identified minimal facts which are strongly evidenced and which are regarded as historical by the large majority of scholars, including skeptics."
Fact #1: Jesus was killed by crucifixion
This is mentioned in detail by all 4 books of the Gospel, and it is confirmed by at least 5 non-christian sources such as: the Jewish historian Josephus, the Roman historian Tacitus, the Greek Satirist Lucian of Samosata, the pagan Mara Bar-Serapion, and even the Jewish Talmud reports it.
Fact #2: Jesus' disciples believed that he rose and appeared to them
Dr. Licona states: "There are three strands of evidence for this: Paul's testimony about the disciples, oral traditions that passed through the early church, and written works of the early church."
1) Paul was an early persecutor of the church for about 2 years after Jesus' death. He then completely changed his opinion after personally encountering the risen Jesus. After that, he was willing to endure hardship, persecution, and even death, rather than disavow his testimony that Jesus' resurrection occurred. Paul later met with several disciples of Jesus and confirmed with them that they were all preaching the same message about Jesus' death and resurrection.
2) "People in those days relied on verbal transmission for passing along what happened until it was later written down. Scholars have identified several places in which this oral tradition has been copied into the New Testament in the form of creeds, hymns, and sermon summaries. One of the earliest and most important creeds was relayed by Paul in his first letter to the Corinthian Church, which was written about A.D. 55 [only about 20 years after Jesus died]. It says: 'What I received I passed on to you as of first importance: that Christ died for our sins according to the scriptures, that he was buried, that he was raised on the third day according to the scriptures, and that he appeared to Peter, and then to the twelve (disciples). After that, he appeared to more than five hundred of the brothers at the same time, most of whom are still living, though some have fallen asleep. He then appeared to James, then to all the apostles...' Many scholars believe Paul received this creed from [the disciples] Peter and James while visiting with them in Jerusalem 3 years after Paul's conversion. That would be within five years of the crucifixion."
3) "Finally we have written sources, such as Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John. Even very liberal scholars will concede that [these are] four biographies written within seventy years of Jesus' life that unambiguously report the disciples' claims that Jesus rose from the dead."
"Think about the depth of evidence we have in these three categories: Paul, oral tradition, and written reports. In all, we've got 9 sources that reflect multiple, very early and eye-witness testimonies to the disciples' claims that they had seen the risen Jesus. This is something the disciples believed to the core of their being. We've got at least seven early sources testifying that the disciples willingly suffered in defense of their beliefs and if we include the martyrdoms of Paul and Jesus' half brother James, we have 11 sources."
Fact #3: The conversion of the church persecutor Paul
"We have six ancient sources in addition to Paul - such as Luke, Clement of Rome, Polycarp, Tertullian, Dionysius of Corinth, and Origen reporting that Paul was willing to suffer continuously and even die for his beliefs." A martyr is someone who is willing to die for their beliefs - and liars make poor martyrs.
Fact #4: The conversion of the skeptic James, Jesus' half-brother
"We have good evidence that James was not a follower of Jesus during Jesus' lifetime. Mark and John both report that none of Jesus Brothers believed in him. Then, however, the ancient creed material in 1st Corinthians 15 tells us that the risen Jesus appeared to James. As a result of his encounter with the risen Jesus, James didn't just become a Christian, but he later became leader of the Jerusalem Church. James was so thoroughly convinced of Jesus' Messiahship because of the resurrection that he died as a martyr, as both Christian and non-Christian sources attest. So we have another example of a skeptic who was converted because of a personal encounter with the resurrected Lord and was willing to die for his convictions."
Fact #5: Jesus' tomb was empty
Unlike the above 4 facts which nearly all scholars believe to be true, Dr. Habermas determined that about 75% of scholars on the subject of the empty tomb regard it as a historical fact. There are basically three areas of evidence:
1 )"Jesus was publicly killed and buried in Jerusalem, and then his resurrection was announced shortly afterwards. It would have been impossible for Christianity to get off the ground in Jerusalem if Jesus' body were still in the tomb."
2)"The Jewish leaders who had Jesus crucified claimed that someone stole the body from the tomb, so they indirectly admitted that the body was missing." There was a Roman guard posted at the tomb, and the large stone covering the entrance required several people to move it. "On top of that, the idea that the disciples stole the body is a lame explanation. Are we supposed to believe that they conspired to steal the body, pulled it off, and then we're willing to suffer continuously and even die for what they knew was a lie? That's such an absurd idea that Scholars universally reject it today."
3)"We have the testimony of women that the tomb was empty. In both first century Jewish and Roman cultures, women were lowly esteemed and their testimony was considered very questionable. If you were going to concoct a story in an effort to fool others, you would never that day have hurt your own credibility by saying that women discovered the empty tomb."
Summary of the Minimal Facts:
"Shortly after Jesus died from crucifixion, his disciples believed that they saw him risen from the dead. They said he appeared not only to individuals but in several group settings and the disciples were so convinced and transformed by the experience that they were willing to suffer and even die for their conviction that they had encountered him."
"And we have two Skeptics who regarded Jesus as a false prophet - Paul, the persecutor of the church, and James, who was Jesus' half brother. They completely changed their opinions 180 degrees after encountering the risen Jesus. Like the disciples, they were willing to endure hardship, persecution, and even death rather than disavow their testimony that Jesus' resurrection occurred."
"Thus we have compelling testimony about the resurrection from friends of Jesus, an enemy of Christianity (Paul), and a skeptic (James). Finally we have strong historical evidence that Jesus' tomb was empty. In fact, even enemies of Christianity admitted it was vacant. Where did the body go? If you asked the disciples, they'd tell you they personally saw Jesus after he returned to life."
Two last notes:
To help put all of this into context, Dr. Licona states that "Our two best sources on Alexander the Great, for instance, weren't written for at least 4 hundred years after his life." And, "Consider the secular example of Hannibal crossing the Alps to attack Rome, for which there are two historically incompatible and irreconcilable accounts. Yet no classical historian doubts the fact that Hannibal did mount such a campaign." So the amount of historical evidence for Jesus' life, death, and resurrection is something that historical scholars basically drool over.
"It's no good falling back on science as having disproved the possibility of resurrection. Any real scientist will tell you that science observes what normally happens; the Christian case is precisely that what happened to Jesus is not what normally happens. For my part, as a historian I prefer the elegant, essentially simple solution rather than the one that fails to include all the data: to say that the early Christians believed that Jesus had been bodily raised from the dead, and to account for this belief by saying that they were telling the truth."
Also recommended for further reading:
- "The Case for the Resurrection of Jesus" by Gary Habermas and Michael Licona
- "The Case for Christ" by Lee Strobel
- "The Case for Miracles" by Lee Strobel
- "Mere Christianity" by C.S. Lewis
- "Imagine Heaven" by John Burke
The Purpose For Jesus' Death and Resurrection
Ray Comfort is a magnetic evangelist with a powerful message. He has figured out why Christian churches throughout the United States have become largely dead and stopped going out into the world to teach others about the Gospel message of the purpose For Jesus' death and resurrection over the past few hundred years. Here is a link to Hell's Best Kept Secret on Ray's website, which details this further, but I will provide a brief summary of what Ray is showing others below.
Hell's Best Kept Secret on YouTube
On Ray's website, he states: "Why do 80-90% of those making a decision for Christ fall away from the faith? What is the biblical principle that Spurgeon, Wesley, Whitefield, etc., used to reach the lost? Why has the Church neglected it? Don't let anything stop you from listening to this incredible teaching."
The summary of Ray's message is basically this: Most people outside the church (and even many inside it) think they are essentially a "good person" and if God is good, then when they die God will give them a pass and overlook their shortcomings and "sins". What is sin? It is basically turning our back on our creator for our own selfish interests - turning our back on God in many various ways - while at the same time just like a loving parent God made us for a relationship with Him. So Ray points out all the ways in which we turn our back on God, which is what previous revivalists like Charles Finney also went to great lengths to do. Because to say we need God without really showing us why, and only saying we need God because God loves us, makes for a weak faith in God that does not stand up to all the various hard times throughout our life. And saying we need God to forgive us when we think we are already good people is basically insulting. We need to be shown WHY we need God, not just that God is full of Love. We need to know WHY God judges us when we die. Below is from a tract which can also be found on Ray's Living Waters web site.
"Do you consider yourself to be a good person? Most people do. However, most of us differ as to the definition of 'good'. The Bible says that God is 'good', and the ten commandments are His standard of goodness. So, we will look at God's law. With a tender conscience, ask yourself if you have obeyed the following:
1) You shall have no other gods before me. Have you always Loved God above all else?
2) You shall not make yourself an idol. Have you made a god in your mind that you are more comfortable with, a god to suit yourself?
3) You shall not take God's name in vain. Have you ever used God's holy name as a cuss word? Would you use the name of someone you love such as your mother or father as a cuss word?
4) Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy.
5) Honor your father and mother.
6) You shall not murder. Jesus taught that God considers hatred to be the same as murder. Is there anyone that you hate or have hated?
7) You shall not commit adultery. Jesus taught that "Whoever looks upon a woman to lust after her has committed adultery with her already in his heart." Have you ever looked at someone and lusted after them or had sex before marriage?
8) You shall not steal. Have you ever stolen anything? (the value of the item is irrelevant)
9) You shall not lie. Have you ever lied even once? (including answering these questions)
10) You shall not covet. Have you ever jealously desired what belongs to others?
The Bible says that God will punish all murderers, rapists, thieves, liars, adulterers, etc. He will even judge our words and thoughts. On judgment day, will you be found to be guilty or innocent of breaking His commandments?
Perhaps you think that God is good, and will therefore overlook your sins. But it is His goodness that will make sure that murders, rapists, thieves, liars, etc, receive justice. He would be a corrupt judge if He turned a blind eye to injustice.
Have you kept the commandments? The Bible says that the law is perfect. It commands you to be perfect (Matthew 5:48). Are you perfect in thought, word, and deed? Will you make it to heaven?
You may say that you are still good, but God says you're not (see Psalm 14:2-3). So one of you is lying, and the scriptures tell us that it is impossible for God to tell a lie. Remember that all liars will be cast into the lake of fire (Revelation 21:8). God's law demands justice, and the penalty for sinning against Him is death and hell. Listen carefully if you want to live.
God Himself made a way where His justice and His goodness could meet. We broke the law, but He became a man to pay the fine. Jesus suffered and died on the cross to satisfy the law. He then rose from the dead, defeating death forever. Therefore God can forgive us and grant us the gift of everlasting life!
But you may still think that you can (from now on) keep the Ten Commandments. But isn't it true that the best of us have lied, stolen, lusted, hated, failed to love God above all else, and failed to love our neighbor as ourselves? How can we then, live a "good" life if we have already sinned against God? At best we are reformed liars and thieves, but still law-breakers.
Think of it this way - would you sell one of your eyes for a million dollars? Would you sell both for $50 million? I'm sure you would not. Your eyes are priceless, yet they are merely the windows of your soul. What then must your life (soul) be worth? With these thoughts in mind, what would be a fair price to pay for everlasting life? It is utterly without price.
Yet, if we trust in our own goodness to enter heaven, we are saying to God, "I should enter heaven because I have done good - I have earned my way in." However, imagine if you wanted to give me a brand new (very expensive) car, but I said, "I can't take it! I feel embarrassed receiving such a gift... here's 10 cents for it." I'm sure you would be very insulted by such a pathetic offer of payment. Besides, if I pay for it, it is no longer a gift, and it's a purchase - it's mine by right. When we talk of entering heaven by being good, by trying to keep the ten commandments etc, we are tossing God 10 cents of "self-righteousness," which is a terrible insult to Him, in light of Jesus' sacrifice.
The only thing we can do is humble ourselves, repent of our sins, and receive the gift by trusting Jesus Christ alone. Almighty God demonstrated how much He loves you when Jesus suffered for you on the cross. If you want to trust in your own goodness, then you are saying His agonizing death on the cross was in vain. The Bible says, "For by grace you are saved through faith, and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God." You cannot earn a gift.
When Jesus said to "believe" on Him, He was saying we should have faith in Him, in the same way you would trust a parachute to save you when you jump from a plane. You don't merely believe in the parachute - you put it on. Please don't "jump" without Jesus. If you die in your sins there is no second chance. God will give you justice, and you will end up in hell forever. Any troubles you have at present are dwarfed by the trouble you are in with your creator. His wrath abides upon you (John 3:36).
God doesn't want you to go to hell. Neither do you want to go there, so confess your sins to God right now, put your trust in Jesus to save you, and you will pass from death to life. Then read the Bible daily and obey what you read. Your obedience to God is the proof of your love. Have faith in God, He will never fail you.
If you are ready to admit your sins and want God's forgiveness and eternal life, then pray something like this:
'Dear God, today I turn away from all of my sins (name them). This day I put my trust in Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. He is the only way for me to be saved. He is 'the way the truth and the life.' Please forgive me, change my heart, and grant me your gift of everlasting life. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.'"
"If you died within 24 hours, where would you be in eternity? Heaven or hell?" - Frank Arthur Jenner